My wife and I went through our first miscarriage two days before Thanksgiving, 2020. She started spotting so we went to the ER. At first everything seemed like nothing was wrong. They had a nurse come in and do a fetal heartbeat monitor thing. We start hearing this noise thumping. The nurse says it had a strong heartbeat. Immediately I felt this rush of relief. Next thing I realize is we're in the hospital room and it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable how long it's taking to process her scans. Before they even came in the room I could tell. It just had been too long for them to not check in. My wife's starting to ask questions. I had to look at her and lie. I figured if I could take, even a second of her feeling of grief away, I'd be able to comfort her that'd be better than doing nothing. Her second turned into 45 min later the doctors came in. They told us the nurse that did the heartbeat monitoring was new and she mistook my wife's heartbeat as our baby's. We had a missed miscarriage. My wife's emotional integrity wasn't the greatest so I did everything I could to help her through the process. I guess I just completely forgot about my emotional integrity. Late summer I started to notice I had classic signs of ptsd. I'm a somewhat recovering addict. Past time I used meth was when I was 18, I'm 26 now. I went 8 years and all of a sudden I couldn't deal with the emotions. So I relapsed once haven't used since its been a couple weeks. I'm not going to. But I haven't told my wife. I'm just afraid that if I communicate with her, it'll affect her mental integrity. I really don't want to be questioned about it I just want to move on and be on the same page as her. I guess I just feel lost sometimes. I mean obviously in this situation you tell her or lie to her for the rest of your life. I guess I'll find out what kind of man I am atleast.