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Allowing myself to grieve
In Welcome to the Forum
Chris Whitfield
Mar 24, 2022
Good morning Brando, thank you for sharing your post. Firstly, on behalf of Miscarriage For Men, let me offer our deepest condolences on yours and your partners pregnancy loss. Well done for getting the courage to write this post, it takes guts. I was the same when I wrote my first post, and spoke about it openly. I questioned if it was the right thing to do, but I’m so glad that I did. It gave me a platform to allow myself to grieve, it sort of gave me a sense of meaning as all the focus had been on my wife, and rightly so as she was going through it physically and mentally, but I too was hurting but didn’t know how to speak or where to go. Hence I created this platform for exactly these reasons. In situations like this, it’s natural that us men become the protector, we naturally go into defence mode and want to fix the situation, unfortunately this is a situation that cannot be ‘fixed’ and I think that’s what played with my mind so much. I am assuming from reading your post you were the same. Throwing yourself back into work etc, I done exactly that and then quickly realised I needed some time off to process what was going on. My advice to you is just take each day as it comes mate, you will go through the emotions and there will be certain triggers that will start the grief. Don’t let anyone tell you how long you should grieve for, only you can determine that. We are here whenever you need us mate, even if you just want a friendly chat, feel free to pop us a DM, or continue the chat on here. If you and your partner feel that you need some professional help we also work with many wonderful charities who we can put you in touch with. You are bang on the money when you say that your wife needs you as much as you need her right now, talk to her, tell her how you are feeling, yes there will be tears, but I bet you will both feel more comfort knowing you can ride this storm together. Stay safe, Chris MFM 💚
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Help
In Welcome to the Forum
Chris Whitfield
Oct 23, 2021
Hi Martin, Firstly, our deepest condolences go out to you and your partner on your pregnancy loss. It’s such a difficult thing to go through in a relationship, and it does put added strains on the relationship also, most of it attributed to grief and stress of the situation you were going through at the time. I’d suggest that you try and talk to your partner again, explain that you’ve bottled this feeling up for so long and explain you’ve done because of the past experience you have faced. Explain to your partner that you were concerned that the same would happen again so you were not sure how to approach the subject. Tell your partner exactly how you are feeling, if you feel strong enough. However, do it when you feel you can. Going straight into it when you don’t feel ready, could result in the message you are trying to get across become mixed. My personal experience, I told my wife we needed to talk as I needed to be able to clear my head in order to help both of us moving forward. It was very difficult to do so, but it needed to be done. It was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had to have. It’s likely that you will feel the same. We aren’t professionals mate, just a group of guys who’ve been through this, but we are here to help as much as we can. You can always reach us by DM also if you don’t want to talk openly in the forum. If you feel that you need more professional help, we can point you in the right direction and put you in touch with some of the fabulous people we collaborate with. I’m sure some of the other guys will be along soon and offer their advice. Look after yourself and your partner and know we are here when needed. Chris MFM 💚
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Turners
In Welcome to the Forum
Chris Whitfield
Jul 29, 2021
Hi Mikky, Firstly, I’m sorry to hear of what you and you wife are currently going through. I can imagine that everyday must feel like a right challenge at the moment. Every person is different in the way that they handle emotions. You say that you are currently feeling disconnected, do you think that is because you are now fearing the worse due to the way the hospital are talking? Or have you felt like that from the start? Mine and my wife’s miscarriage was at 14 weeks, so we were not as far on as you, but I know the closer it got to that delivery date, I think I’d have felt worse than I already did. Talking with your wife Is a brilliant thing to do, whilst it might be heartbreaking and hard to do, you need to be there to support each other as much as you can as you go through this experience. I agree with you, that the hospital already making plans is a bit disrespectful. Until the outcome happens, they should be coaching you both through this scenario you are in, but on the other hand they may just be trying to prepare you and ease in the ‘what if’ factor also. However, I fully agree with what you are saying - how can you make plans now when they don’t know for sure! With regards to practical parts of the time after, everyone deals with grief in their own way, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Make sure you are there for your partner, comfort her when she needs it, wait on her hand and foot, if needs be but remember to take time out for yourself also! There is nothing worse than being in a room alone with your thoughts. Just know that we are here for both of you, and if you feel that either of you need some professional help, we work with some wonderful charities who can help you out also. If you prefer to speak in DM rather than in the forum, please feel free to message us via inbox. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Chris.
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Intro and my quick story
In Welcome to the Forum
Chris Whitfield
May 12, 2021
Hi Brad, Firstly, my deepest condolences go out to you and your wife on your pregnancy losses. It’s always an awful time going through a miscarriage and going through it in a pandemic is even worse. As soon as you see those 2 blue lines on the pregnancy kit, the excitement kicks in, then to have that cruelly ripped away from you, is something that I’ll never get my head around. That’s why I am now working with different medically groups, who are conducting research into why miscarriages happen. We may never get the answers but we have to do something, right? I completely resonate with your ultrasound story, that was the same for me, and seeing my wife’s face as she came back to the car is something that I will never forget. You’re 100% right in that nothing can prepare you for this. I created this page (and our Instagram / Twitter page) so that guys would have a place they could log on to, and just have a chat. It didn’t even have to be about the agony of miscarriage, I just wanted guys to know that they had somewhere they could come, and know that they weren’t alone. Not all guys will be affected by miscarriage, some will choose to bottle their feelings up, others will think that it hasn’t affected them at all. I wasn’t one of those. It did affect me. Thank you for sharing your story Brad, I will keep you posted on the zoom call. We are looking at early June for the 1st instalment if Zoom calls and I will put a notice in here and the Blog. You know where I am if you ever need a chat. Chris.
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This time it really hit me...
In Welcome to the Forum
Chris Whitfield
Apr 14, 2021
Evening Ollie, Firstly, my thoughts are with you and your wife at this very difficult time. Your story is truly heartbreaking and my deepest condolences go out to you both. I wish your wife the best for her upcoming surgery. I always say the same thing, in that I am not a professional therapist / grief councillor, although we do have some who visit the page regularly. If you are looking for professional help, please check out the helpful links page. The guys who comment here will have lived in experience and have been through the agony of miscarriage. I was the same as you, I didn’t want professional help, I just wanted to talk to others who had been through and couldn’t find anything, that’s why I created this page. Therapy I believe can definitely work, but only if you want it to, you will only get out of it, what you put in. The pandemic has not helped anyone, and going through miscarriage in a pandemic is the pits. I went through it during the pandemic also, and it was horrific. My wife having to go into the medical room and find out by herself what was happening and that we had lost our baby - by herself - awful. I’m so glad to hear that you and your wife have managed to have a heart to heart, that’s a great start in being able to help your feelings, the fact you’ve done that and then came here and shared your story is admirable. With regards to support for your partner, have a look at the blog post I shared with regards to the pamphlet from Relate. Nobody can tell you how to process things, and nobody can tell you how to grieve - only you know that.. but know this, we are here for you, and if you need a private chat ever, feel free to drop me a DM. Chris.
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Chris Whitfield
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CEO - Miscarriage For Men

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