Hi everyone,
I just wanted to get this all off of my chest. I'm currently 17 but a lot happened when I was 15 and I want to share it in case there's anyone else who had a similar experience.
I met my girlfriend when I was 14 after she came back to school after being in hospital. I fell fully in love with her and I know it's stupid because we were only 14 but it felt incredibly real. After months of chasing after her she finally said yes to me and we ended up spending all our time with each other. It felt completely perfect.
The year after I met her, when I was 15, she invited me on holiday with her family in Dorset for the week; I obviously said yes because I was completely in love with her. My parents thought we were just good friends at that point and so let me go away with her, which was a huge lie on my part but I was desperate to go. Her parents knew we were dating and didn't tell mine anything which is how come this ever happened. That week was honestly one of the best weeks of my life and I don't think I'll ever forget it but it's kind of where everything started to go wrong.
I got drunk one night in Dorset and we ended up having sex for the first time. It was completely unprotected but she said it was fine because of her medical history which had made her infertile. I didn't think to question this at the time because I was 15, drunk, and very in love. I don't blame her for this at all as she genuinely believed she was infertile, but we really should have done something about it. (She ended up not being infertile.)
We kept having unprotected sex for months and everything was going fine until December of 2022. She missed a period and we thought she might be pregnant. She had irregular periods anyway because of her medical history but this was much longer than usual, so we ended up acting like she was pregnant. Eventually she took a test and it came back negative, so we assumed that this had just been a scare. Despite this, we carried on having unprotected sex. She went on the progesterone pill and we thought that it would be enough.
Everything was fine until February 2023 when she missed her period again. I'd suspected something was wrong for a few days as she'd been avoiding me and had said that something was worrying her but that she didn't want to talk about it. She eventually took a test and it came back positive. We worked out that she was 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have never felt so alone in my life which is stupid because I was with her but in that moment I just felt completely completely alone. It felt like our entire world had just imploded and I had no idea what I was going to do.
I kept trying to talk to her but she was just mad because I didn't have to feel any of her pain. I had honestly never felt so much pain but I didn't want to talk because I felt so scared. It went on like this for a week or so. We spoke about what we'd do and about abortions. She was set on keeping it and I told her that I'd stay with her because I didn't know what else to say. I tried to be brave and I know that it was harder for her. We saved up and she looked at council houses because she knew her parents would kick her out. I was going to go with her. We were both from pretty privileged backgrounds and I thought I'd just fucked up my whole life.
About a week after the test, we were planning to go to Broadstairs for the day to celebrate my 16th. This was on the 25th of February. I called her in the morning to check if she was still able to go and she just said "it's gone." I panicked and cycled to her house as fast as I could and knocked on the door. I knew that she was home alone because her parents always took her siblings to music lessons on Saturday mornings so it was her who opened the door. We went into the front room and I just hugged her for an hour. I asked if she wanted me to leave since she didn't want to talk and she said yes but I decided to stay because leaving didn't feel right. She later said that she would have killed herself if I had left. She also said that she was about to try and kill herself when I knocked on the door and stopped her.
I don't know how much of this was true but it felt true to me at the time and that's all that matters now. We ended up going to the beach anyway and acted like everything was fine. We never talked about the miscarriage. I broke up with her on the 22nd of March because of stress and we got back together 2 weeks later. I finally broke up with her on the 15th of August 2023 and I haven't spoken to her since. On results day in late August one of her friends called me and said that my ex had just miscarried. I knew this wasn't true but she was in denial and had refused to accept the miscarriage in February - she had told herself she was still pregnant until this point. One of her friends told her mum and I think my ex ended up getting therapy for it.
I just wished I'd talked to her about it at the time. I can't tell my parents any of this. I don't feel like I can talk to my ex about it because we're not on speaking terms and I don't feel like it would benefit her at all. I don't want to hurt her by bringing up the past.
I'm now 17 and I haven't spoken to anyone about it properly. I've drunkenly talked about it with friends but that doesn't help. None of them understand because they've never even been in relationships yet. I don't know who to talk to so I'm writing it here. (Sorry if not all of this is relevant.)