I am humbled and inspired by the people who have shared their stories about miscarriage here. I am struggling to find the words myself but here goes..
My partner and I suffered a miscarriage a year ago and then another a few months ago. Both were at the same time in the pregnancy, around 9 or 10 weeks and before anyone knew about the pregnancies. The first pregnancy was incredibly painful for my partner and although the second was a little easier it has taken her a few months to physically recover. I have tried to support her as best I can, though I've struggled to know how I have felt over the past year. I haven't spoken to many people whereas my partner has many friends and her family she talks to. I have thrown myself into work as a distraction and I can become very numb when my partner talks about the events.
More recently I have been feeling despair and anger; I am sometimes deeply frustrated. Underneath there is sadness though I can struggle to find an outlet - it sounds mad but I don't cry easily. I work in mental health and it astounds me that I can deal with other people's sadness but struggle to access my own... A few weeks after the first miscarriage I broke down uncontrollably in front of a group of people when out.... which actually felt like a relief...
We are attempting to try again for a child, though my partner is really not sure out of fear of going through this again. And this only adds to the despair.. it doesn't feel like a great place to try for a family..... I guess we are in this place now, and it's not getting over it ... it's just a matter of time before we move through it together... how ever long that will be...
Thank you Chris and Dan.
Your replies were really useful for me and it's helped open more conversation with my partner, and we have been able to support each other a lot better. We are both in therapy as well which is helping too. There was something about accepting and talking to her about where I was with everything that allowed me to listen to her better. It's simple to reflect on it now but a few weeks ago I was trying to fight or resist something... I've also taken some time out from work and a holiday together with her which has been good!
We are set on carrying on trying even with the risk of miscarrying again and are better resourced now if it happens again. Despite the pain and moments of difficulty, through talking we can see that the two miscarriages so far have brought us closer together and made us reevaluate our lives and priorities moving forwards. I resonate with what you say, Dan, that sometimes the things that we most desire in life are the most difficult to get or achieve.
Thank you again, Richard
Hi Richard, Thank you for putting your thoughts down and I am glad you have visited the page and read the forum. I hope you realise all you are feeling at this time is very common and you aren’t alone. I have gone through 3 miscarriages over a 5 year period and my experience is slightly different to Chris. I struggled with understanding the reasoning behind why this happened to us, was it something we did? What can we do to prevent it next time? I came to realise that you can not control this, but cope with the bad days and enjoy the good ones. Do things that make you happy, and open up and talk to someone, ideally your partner. It will make your bond stronger. If you show your wife that you are feeling the same as her you can go through this together which will help your wife, who will also want to help you through it I’m sure. Unfortunately I think it is fairly common to become numb to this experience the more you go through it. Every time I just wanted to get past the weeks we had the miscarriage, to feel a sense of relief and excitement but the reality is, the best thing you can do is both try to relax and stay calm. With regards to trying, if you both want a family, unfortunately you will have the anxiety and potential heartache of this happening again to contend with, but there is the possibility of the dream of a family at the end of it. Someone once said to me if it never rained, you would never get rainbows, and to me that resonated that sometimes the things you want in life sometimes are extremely difficult to achieve. One thing I would say, you do need to both be mentally ready to deal with the potential of a miscarriage happening again if you can. This starts when you open up to your partner I think in this situation. Good luck and please let us know how it goes and if you need anything further Dan - MFM
Hi Richard, Firstly, our deepest condolences go out to you and your partner. It’s an awful thing to go through. I have only been through 1 miscarriage, and it’s bloody hard to deal with. For me, I want to win at everything I do, and being in the miscarriage situation, I knew that this was a situation that I could not win at. This is what I couldn’t get my head around and work out how to help myself feel better. It’s only natural that you are feeling the feelings that you are and this is your grief mindset kicking in. I used exercise as my relief method. I went in the gym and hit the heavy bag or put my headphones in and went for a run. It helped me for a short period. I can understand why your partner is wary of trying again, the fear and thought of potentially going through another pregnancy loss will be high on her agenda. When you feel comfortable talking about what has happened with your partner I definitely recommend this. This is what helped me, yes it will be sad, yes there will be tears, but once you’ve made that connection, it’s easier to then talk about the future. A few of the other admin have had multiple miscarriages so I’m sure they can offer you further advice on how they have handled this. Well done for taking the steps to write down your thoughts and feelings. Chris MFM 💚