Miscarriage Taboo | Miscarriage For Men

My wife had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago. She was very early in her pregnancy so we hadn't really told anyone yet except for 4 close family members. Telling family made the whole experience even more exciting and fun! It was actually happening! We were going to have a baby and were going to be parents! And then 3 or 4 days later my wife started having some heavy bleeding, which was followed by ER visits, blood work, doctor visits and the eventual news that it was indeed a miscarriage. The small circle of people that knew grieved and we all supported each other and our 4 family members helped us so much emotionally.

The hardest thing for me was the taboo of it all. I felt like if I told people about the miscarriage I would somehow be inconveniencing them by getting them involved. Why do we have to wait 12 weeks to tell a larger group of people about pregnancy? Why is there a taboo around miscarriages? Why not tell all you're trusted friends and family as soon as you find out? These are all real questions I have and these thoughts are still very new and I'm trying to learn the best way to address this the next time we are pregnant. And maybe it's a reflection of the relationship I have with my family, maybe I'm not as close as I should/want to be. But I think telling trusted family and friends early would do 2 very important things

1: in the case of a miscarriage, you'd have so many more people to help and support you emotionally.

2: more people would realize how common miscarriages are and that it's a very normal thing and that if it happens to them, they know they're not alone because they've heard about other people going through the same thing and can reach out to them get support from people who have gone through the same thing.

Again, these are all very new thoughts and I don't know if this is the best way and these thoughts are more specific to early pregnancy miscarriages but I feel it shouldn't have to be an uncomfortable, awkward, or hard thing for your close family and friends to hear about what you're going through with a miscarriage. We shouldn't feel like we're alone. And to anyone reading this, you are not alone, there is hope, it's never easy, but there is always hope. My wife had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago. She was very early in her pregnancy so we hadn't really told anyone yet except for 4 close family members. Telling family made the whole experience even more exciting and fun! It was actually happening! We were going to have a baby and were going to be parents! And then 3 or 4 days later my wife started having some heavy bleeding, which was followed by ER visits, blood work, doctor visits and the eventual news that it was indeed a miscarriage. The small circle of people that knew grieved and we all supported each other and our 4 family members helped us so much emotionally. The hardest thing for me was the taboo of it all. I felt like if I told people about the miscarriage I would somehow be inconveniencing them by getting them involved. Why do we have to wait 12 weeks to tell a larger group of people about pregnancy? Why is there a taboo around miscarriages? Why not tell all you're trusted friends and family as soon as you find out? These are all real questions I have and these thoughts are still very new and I'm trying to learn the best way to address this the next time we are pregnant. And maybe it's a reflection of the relationship I have with my family, maybe I'm not as close as I should/want to be. But I think telling trusted family and friends early would do 2 very important things 1: in the case of a miscarriage, you'd have so many more people to help and support you emotionally. 2: more people would realize how common miscarriages are and that it's a very normal thing and that if it happens to them, they know they're not alone because they've heard about other people going through the same thing and can reach out to them get support from people who have gone through the same thing. Again, these are all very new thoughts and I don't know if this is the best way and these thoughts are more specific to early pregnancy miscarriages but I feel it shouldn't have to be an uncomfortable, awkward, or hard thing for your close family and friends to hear about what you're going through with a miscarriage. We shouldn't feel like we're alone. And to anyone reading this, you are not alone, there is hope, it's never easy, but there is always hope.

3 Comments

paul.ian.barnes

Mar 15, 2021

We told lots of people at twelve weeks and everything was ok yet we lost our little boy Rowan at 16 weeks.

When we found out about the miscarriage we had to tell a lot of family and friends as well as work colleagues etc which was hard as it was sharing sad news.

A lot of miscarriages happen before twelve weeks so I understand why people are reluctant to tell lots of people before then.

I didn’t enjoy telling people t

twhatcott

Mar 17, 2021

Replying to

That's a good point. There may be good reason for the "12 week rule". Even though it doesn't prevent the pain of telling others for everyone, it could for some. That would add to the pain of it all. That's really tough. I'm sorry.

I think maybe the same people that you'd feel comfortable telling about a miscarriage are the same people that you could tell you are expecting (pre 12 weeks). That still doesn't help with the miscarriages that happen after 12 weeks, but maybe something that could help some.

I also think that a lot of these thoughts come from me trying to figure out how to tell my family about everything going on. I still have a lot I'm trying to figure out. Thanks for your input.

Chris Whitfield

Mar 13, 2021

Dear TWhatcott, I’m very sorry to hear about yours and your partners miscarriage. My deepest condolences go out to you both. I agree, there is a massive taboo around miscarriage, and I think it makes people feel awkward. I don’t know why that is as unfortunately, it’s a sad part of life’s plans for us all. I disagree with the 12 week theory, I think from years gone by that it’s believed that after 12 weeks everything ‘will be good’ - not the case unfortunately, things can go wrong at any time. It’s an interesting point you make, why not tell people earlier? And then you have people to help you through the dark time. I’d be intrigued to hear other people’s thoughts on this also. This is exactly the reason this page was set up, to ask the questions. We are not professionals, but we can all learn from each other from the experiences we have had. It’s frightening how common miscarriage is, 1 in 4 women will suffer miscarriage, yet we always hear very little about it. People maybe want to keep it a secret and grieve alone, that’s fine, everyone grieves in their own way. My way of grieving was setting up this website, so other guys like myself had a platform to be able to converse with others. Share life experiences and maybe, just maybe help one another get through this dark time. On the helpful links page you will find some links to 3 wonderful charities. All who have professional working for them, should you need something more than a support network. Thank you for reaching out TWhatcott, You know where I am if you need a private chat. Chris.