Hello Folks,
Some Background: Struggling to conceive for 5 years and my wife suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks in December 2020
I'm working with a new business associate. He's trying to be very overfriendly and asking a lot of personal questions. I just barely know this guy for 2 days now, and few of his first questions are "Do you have kids?" ."How many kids do you have?" . I responded in a calm and concise manner stating "no". Then he goes "Oh , So I take it you're not married" . Then I said I am married. This was so annoying and such a stupid conversion to have. I've already started to absolutely detest this person. Why does he have to ask so many personal questions. I spoke to him about everything he needed to do his job with me. He just knows me for two days and he starts getting so personal. I already have started to dislike him and when I moaned about this to my wife she shouted at me and we had a big fight. My wife blames me for talking bad about the business associate. Guys please help me hear. I am so angry and feel like bursting out into tears. Why can't people be professional and refrain from asking personal questions.He's not a friend. Just a business associate and knowing how many kids I have does not have any bearing on the business. This is so annoying.
Hi
i would just tell him it’s a private matter and I don’t want to discuss it. You have every right not to say anything.
Hi
i would just tell him it’s a private matter and I don’t want to discuss it. You have every right not to say anything.
Hi JD, Firstly, sorry to hear of yours and your wife’s miscarriage. My condolences go out to you both. Thanks for sharing your story. I can fully understand your apprehension to engage with this guy. It’s not the sort of thing that someone would normally be so intrusive about on day 1. Could be that he is nervous? Maybe the small talk is his way of trying to make friends, but doesn’t really realise that he is being as intrusive as he is. I agree with Shen here that the best way to handle this situation is to be professional about it, just politely advise the guy that you don’t feel comfortable discussing your private life, with someone you have only just met. He will definitely apologise, I think that’s a given, most likely in the form of ‘I didn’t mean to poke my nose in, sorry’ and that ‘he was only making small talk’ - and then you can use the lines of ‘it’s fine, no offence etc..’ Small talk is one of the hardest, when my wife miscarried, I told people who I closely work with to tell people not to come and say ‘sorry for your loss’ - I didn’t want it, not that I was ungrateful, but it didn’t help the situation I was in and then it usually opens up other lines of ‘atleast you are young enough to try again’ etc. It snowballs. If you feel uncomfortable, you need to nip it in the bud, otherwise it will spiral. Stay safe, Chris.
Hi there,
it is frustrating and also painful, if someone pokes into your private life, especially if it carries so much sadness and loss.
I can only guess, but maybe answering 'No.' was seen as an invitation to keep asking. My wife and me have an agreement never to share any information about each other to third parties, especially in our online times, this has proven to be a very helpful shield against the curiousity of others, even if it is well meant.
Jumping from 'no kids' to 'not married' is a very inappropriate conclusion to be drawn, imho. And probably I would have snapped at such a reaction in a 'that is none of your f*** business' way.
Maybe you can take the professional frame as a shield for yourself:
Tell him, that you appreciate his socializing skills, even if you do not (it makes him more open to actually listen to you) but that you are not into that. You are fine with giving professional advice, maybe even mentorship, but your personal life and relationship is off-limit territory, since you are colleagues, not friends.
You can literally tell him 'Dude, I feel offended, if someone I know for barely 48 hours starts digging into my private life or even making assumptions about it!'
If he is the kind of babbling socializer I imagine, he will probably start a waterfall of apologizes etc. that can cause even more of an awkward situation, if not dealt with immediately: if that happens, just cut him short: 'I know you did not mean to be inappropriate, and that is cool. Apology accepted, and now we grab a coffee, and I will show you how our CRM/Order Platform/whatever you wanna tell him works.'
The goal is, to keep the initiative and not to end up in a defensive situation where you have to fend off painful questions. Also if he offers to bring you a coffee in that situation, make sure you do not fall for this, but you go there together. Otherwise you will be opening the door again for an other apologetic waterfall.
I do not claim to have the perfect solution for your situation, but hopefully I could provide some tactics/strategies to deal with it and find a way out.
Love and Peace
Shen