Take time to process

At first, what a great initiative Chris! I wish I had found something alike when we had a miscarriage 7 years ago.

So, yes, it has been 7 years. My wife and I didn't have any children yet and were trying for a couple of years already. We were so happy that we were going to have a baby and, as I have read in another post, we were anticipating on telling our families. With (I believe) 8 weeks of pregnancy, after an ultrasound, the midwife told us to go to the hospital because the growth seemed to lack behind. We were extremely worried, but then we went to the hospital and everything seemed quite OK. We could even see the heart beating! Another week later though the heart had stopped and we had to get the foetus to be removed. We were devastated. I remember that after coming back from the hospital we went to bed and have been there crying together for a long time.

We both found out how difficult it is to find support from others. We had eachother and were able to talk about it very well, but it really seems that for people who don't have this experience it is very difficult to understand how heartbreaking this can be. Basically all friends and family told us to 'keep trying and focus on the future'. But that is not what it is about. It is about having a child. And then you loose that child! It is a mourning process. You loose someone you had and you need to mourn for that child. I also read in another post that there's a taboo and I agree. It is difficult to talk about it. People can get very uncomfortable. But still I kept telling people close to me, also the men in my life. It is important for giving it a place in your life. In our case it was 'only' after 8 weeks of pregnancy, but it is still the same. You loose a child. Not one that you didn't have, but one that you had.

It is now a long time ago and we have 3 beautiful children now. And in the same way that thinking about the birth of my children can make emotional, also the thoughts of our first child (we both feel it was a girl) make me emotional. The really heavy feelings are gone though. I remember so well to have seen her heart beat on the ultrasound and that is still just beautiful.