Apr 21, 2022
In Welcome to the Forum
Hi all, I posted on this forum last year after my wife suffered another miscarriage and I was going through the grieving process, which helped me work through my feelings at the time (thank you!). We are now in a very different place (and not one we thought we would be in!), so I thought I would share in case it helps others. After 7 failed pregnancies, we didn't feel we could cope with the pain, uncertainty and pressure we had spent three years under and decided to end our journey to having birth children, instead turning to to adoption. This was a big mental shift for us, we felt we were giving up on a dream but at the same time felt huge relief that we wouldn't have to go back through it all again. It was almost a grieving process in itself to move from trying to conceive to trying to adopt, but once through it we are now happy with our decision. Everyone on this forum is in a different place and this may not be the right path for you at all. There is still a part of me which wants to see a mini version of my wife and I running around the house, which we may never now see. For us personally, we had given so much to our conception journey that we felt it was taking away a big part of who we were and impacting our ability to enjoy our lives and our relationship. We felt our lives had been on hold for far too long. We are now halfway through the process to become approved adopters. While daunting, I'm now looking forward to meeting our future child/ren (we may go for siblings!). My genuine sympathy goes out to all of you experiencing miscarriage. There is no easy path through it and hopefully you find your happy ending, whatever that may look like. We hope we find ours in a child or children who haven't had the best of starts but who we can give all our pent up love to. Ollie
Apr 14, 2021
In Welcome to the Forum
Thanks for creating this webpage and forum - I haven't found any other like it and this is the first time I've felt a real need to share. Apologies if this turns into a bit of a rant... My wife has been pregnant 6 times now, and all we have to show for it is a needy sausage dog and a whole lot of painful memories. Our first was at the end of 2018, our son (which I still find hard to say) was diagnosed with a serious brain defect at 20 weeks. We made the heart-wrenching decision to terminate the pregnancy, so my wife had to give birth to a stillborn baby knowing it was our 'choice' to do so. We were then in and out of hospital for months due to bleeding issues and retained tissue. Since then we have been through 3 miscarriages (2 anembryonic and 1 with a heartbeat which quickly failed, all around 7-8 weeks) and 2 'chemical pregnancies' which we caught as we were testing early. The latest miscarriage was just 2 days ago, my wife goes into surgery this Friday for the forth time. She is terrified, mainly about potential repercussions of multiple surgeries on our ability to have kids at all. My wife has been going to therapy for months to help with mindfulness and dealing with grief, which has definitely helped, although she has her ups and downs as we all do. So far I haven't, and while our first (who we named Emi) devastated me, I never really took any time off from work or sought out therapy, I guess feeling it was better if I kept myself busy and was there for my wife as much as possible. For some reason this latest one hit us both hard. I think I had been holding on to the fact that my wife was pregnant almost as a 'get out of jail free' card to compensate the crap we had been through and the general monotony of the pandemic. For the first time I've felt I need to get it all off my chest, my wife and I had a heart to heart yesterday which involved plenty of years, and I went looking for this forum to write it all down. I'm generally a pretty resilient guy and like to think I deal with stress pretty well. My wife is much more emotional (not necessarily in a bad way). I find it really hard to support her when she feels properly depressed or even spirals into a panic attack, which has happened a couple of times throughout our ordeals. We are also trying to deal with complicated family issues (but who isn't), including my dad who seems intent on tearing the family apart and a sister in law who shares multiple baby photos on a daily basis. Sometimes it gets a bit much. I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for from posting on here, but something was telling me I should scribble it down and share it around, maybe just to see whether others have felt the same and have some top notch way of dealing with it all. I have considered therapy but slightly reluctant and not sure exactly why; I've had mixed experiences with things like coaching at work which I imagine is sort of similar. My natural way of being is to process things myself rather than talk them through (but maybe that's a bad thing?). Hoping we find a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is feeling like a long one these days. The only one who has benefitted so far is the aforementioned sausage dog, who finally got to sleep in our bed last night as an overly spoilt emotional support pup.