Hi HoodedBarrel, First of all apologies for the delay and our thoughts go out to you for your loss. Everyone deals with grief in different ways so there is no right way to feel, to cry or not, to bottle up emotions or not. You have to go with what you feel is right to do or just what emotion takes over you at the time. I get the impression you are trying to be strong for your fiance to show her strength by not showing emotion, but you could just speak to her and explain what you are feeling. It could be sadness, depressed, anxious, anger but it is just not expressed with tears. It could be that you are not sure what you are feeling as you haven't explored this and put it in a box in your mind for now, so you have the ability to focus on your fiances feelings and some time down the line you will either deal with them or just over time feel better. Ultimately the important thing is you talk to your partner about what they are feeling and how you are feeling so you can support each other through this If you need any further assistance we can put you in touch with more professional guidance in the form of therapy or charities which deal with and support people going through the loss you have experienced. Please keep in touch Dan - MFM

Hi mcallistercole22 Sorry to hear you are going through this and it is horrible that you had to go through with the delivery. I can only talk about my experience and looking back I think I coped with the grief of the situation by reacting to the trauma in a similar way. It is called emotional numbness. My wife was in tears and all I wanted to do was protected and reassure her. I had a job to do and emotions were not important as I needed to be strong for my wife. It was a number of months until I felt sadness, anger or any other emotion linked with grief. I think it can be a natural reaction for a lot of men, but don’t be afraid to show emotion when it feels right. Your partner will want to know how you feel and that you are going through this journey together If there is anything you need, please let us know Dan - MFM

First of all condolences for your loss. It is a tough thing to go through when you have been in a relationship for a while, but more difficult when it’s so early as well. I would normally suggest you arrange to do things that you both enjoy doing to take your mind off of the loss, and to do things like exercise together, but as you are broken up this may prove difficult I think you are doing the right thing at the moment in keep reaching out. She may be struggling but that could well be the grieving process you both have to go through individually. Yours may be quicker than hers so she may just need time. I would say keep checking in but make her aware you want to be there to support her through this process so ask her what she would like from you? It may be she wants space and to work through this with friends and family. If so, ask to set boundaries. When can you check in just for a message to see if she’s ok) Ultimately this isn’t something you can fix, but just keep showing up in support unless she asks otherwise If, like most other men I speak to, you are putting your feelings on the miscarriage aside to look after your other half, that’s fine, but continue to recognise you will need to process this, and do things you enjoy and are healthy habits in the meantime. I took up running and booked a couple of weekends away so I had something to look forward too. Maybe that could work for you If you find you need any further help yourself, please let me know Dan - MFM

Cortes, First of all I am sorry for your loss and the feelings you are going through. Long distance adds a complexity to this, which I don’t have experience of, but I’ll try to provide some advice. The loss of a baby through miscarriage is a tough thing to cope with for both partners, and can take a long time. You are relatively early in this process, so have to work through this still. It seems like your partner wants space to process this individually. I’d say you need to respect her wishes but maybe be on the end of the phone, and if you feel it will help, discuss how you are feeling, so she knows she’s not alone in this and despite the distance you are with her emotionally Maybe in a week or 2 she will want company. Does she have friends / family close by? If so encourage her to lean on that support network and let her lead her own recovery in how she wants to approach it and the timescales, and use this time to reflect and look after yourself I hope this helps Dan - MFM

Hi Throwway, I am sorry to hear your news. As someone who has experienced multiple losses I know the toll this can take, but 3 in one year is a lot to cope with alone. Have you looked into discussing this with someone professionally? If you need any help please let us know Dan - MFM

First of all, condolences for what you are going through. I am sure all emotions are very raw at this stage. We are based in the UK and are seeing more and more companies providing support and time off for employees who are affected by miscarriage. I hope that you can have a conversation with your boss or another member of staff who can help with your integration back into work. I think fact you are considering your future options at this stage is a good sign and in time may lead to hope of a bright future with your own or adopted children if that is the path you choose. I wish you all the best over the coming weeks and months. Let us know if you need any further help Dan - MFM

Hi Lee First of all, condolences for your loss earlier in the year. Whilst I haven’t been through the exact scenario you described, elements of it will resonate with people in this forum. What you are feeling is completely normal if you look up the stages of grief of the loss you had. I would expect you weren’t planning or ready for this to take place so will take you some time to come to terms with, whilst at the same time working through grieving the loss you experienced. There is also some hesitation I suspect in letting yourself accept there could be a positive outcome of a completely normal birth. My advice to you would be to talk to your partner as she’s likely got some similar feelings, and you can work through this together. Once you do that, I hope you will feel closer to your partner and then the new unborn baby. I hope you will be able to see an optimistic view of the possibility this pregnancy will be successful in the near future If you need anything from us, please reach out Dan - MFM

Sorry to hear that James, appreciate you reaching out to grant. If you need any help please let us know Dan - MFM

Hi Charlie, Thank you for your story and condolences for what you have been through. It is really kind of you to look at this as a way of helping others, and hopefully by writing it down in full, you will get some benefit as well. I see a lot of my story in yours with multiple losses, surgeries, waiting around in hospital or in the car, the stress, worry of it it will happen, they lack of reasoning for why this happens. I think a lot of what you have written will relate to many people who read it. Where you are at, we were a few years back. My wife and I have a very strong bond, made stronger by these losses, and ultimately for us, the outcome of having children still outweighed the stress and anxiety of the possibility of further losses. You need to do what’s right for you and your wife. I would show her this post and see what her response would be. We had a year where we didn’t try (medically forced) which actually gave us some time just to be us after marriage. It was one of the best things we did to just step away from it all. Secondly we had 2 or 3 different specialists we saw, for the same reason, to see if there was a different or common approach from them all. ‘You should just get pregnant’ wasn’t good enough for us so we decided to get a number of options. Research the plans / medication / tests proposed to us and choose what works best, so we were bought into it fully. Most importantly, during this time we made sure we kept doing the things we did on the year off that we enjoyed. I went for a run twice a week, and my wife did gym and yoga. It kept the enjoyment and positivity in our lives to balance the anxiety. I hope this helps and if you need anything more please reach out Dan - MFM

Hi Calebnobleza. First of all, condolences for your loss. This site was set up to support people going through this, so hopefully I am in a position to help. I’d advise first, taking a look round the site, especially the historic forum posts, which will give you a view of what people have gone through. Please check the comments for responses to these posts with specific advice from the team here, who are just the same as you, and not professionals. If you feel you need further support, please reach out via the message function or commenting on this post and we would be happy to help facilitate this. We can offer advice to any questions you have or if you feel it would be beneficial, set you up with some introductions to other partners for counceiling or any other support you may need Dan - MFM

Hi Toliver. Sorry it’s taken me a little longer than I’d hoped to reply. I have had exactly the same experience as you 5-6 years ago. My wife and I have had multiple miscarriages but at one point my wife and sisters due dates were weeks apart. We lost ours but my sister had a beautiful baby girl. This was a very hard time for both of us. On the one hand, you want to be happy for your sister, and create a bond with their child, but on the other, you don’t want to expose yourself and your wife to the heartache of seeing/ holding the baby. I got this wrong, and I am not afraid to say it, so I will give you my experience and then advice. I went to the hospital with my wife, as we thought it was the right thing to do. My wife did it to please my family and I wasn’t aware of how much strain she was under due to the situation. She then was anxious about seeing any of my family for a good month or 2 after as a result, so I would go on my own, but even now I am aware that my bond with my sisters child is still affected by the emotions I felt when she was born, no matter how much I rationalise that it wasn’t her fault. What I should have done is spoken with my family, and given us time to process it. Ask them not to discuss the baby in my wife’s presence, and advise my sister we will see them in a few months as it is too hard right now. As a couple we needed to be more selfish for our own benefit. If your family are understanding, I would suggest you speak to them and let them know the situation and ask for their understanding during this difficult time. As for coping, please read the article I posted before. The ‘what if’ questions you asked in the post, you may not get answers to, but try to consider the alternative. I call it,’what if not’ What if you have a baby next time? What if you do get pregnant successfully? Whilst another miscarriage is a scary thought and a possibility, you need to decide as a couple when the best time to approach trying again would be. It is very much an individual decision, but try to be open to the possibility of a successful pregnancy to have some element of positivity going into the experience. Happy to discuss this more if you need any further help, let me know. Dan - MFM

Hi Toliver, I’ll respond in full later this week, as I have had the same experience but for now please see the below article which I helped write. This will help with some advice for the above https://themummyanddaddysleepconsultant.com/baby-loss-week-2021-in-collaboration-with-miscarriage-for-men/ Dan - MFM

Hi David, First of all condolences to you and your partner for everything you have been through with the loss of the baby. We are here to help if we can. The first thing I would say is for you to go through what you did in your twenties, you must have a serious amount of inner strength and resolve to get through that, and whatever you learnt about yourself in that process you may be able to use when coping with this loss. The grieving process is very different for each individual, influenced by many things, but the advice I always give is to ensure you speak to someone about it. It sounds like you and your partner are very close so sharing your emotions and feelings together and working through this experience as a couple may well be the answer, but if you are looking for more support from professionals, such as counselling please let me know. This will take time to get over and will become easier, but we are here if you need us Dan - MFM

Hi Alex First of all condolences to you and your wife, having to go through this experience. It is great that getting the words down on the site has helped you and you have a good support network around you. The site exists for this reason, to help people seek comfort knowing you aren’t alone, and others have gone through similar experiences. With regards to your current feelings and your wife’s state of mind, if you would like some assistance with this, we can look to help. Please let us know if you would like this. From my own experience, feeling ‘normal’ was me just getting on with life as I accepted I had no control over the situation and therefore could move on. My partner was had a very different outlook for some time, whilst working through the grieving process. For us it was when we discussed the situation and spoke about my feelings that she had a breakthrough. My feelings were how I had felt angry, upset and how unfair this seemed, but I felt I had to be strong for her and show her I was ok. She then realised we were on this journey together and feeling the same emotions and she wasn’t on her own, and I got what she was going through, albeit without having to go through the physical trauma and mental recovery of that. It might help to open up the communication with your wife to show her your post? Let us know how we can help Dan - MFM

Hi rtblack Sorry for the delay - see the below Apparently life after loss do drop on sessions in Northern Ireland. Please see the below from one of the group with a couple of options for assistance locally So the lads I was dealing with were from Sands Northern Ireland and there is also the Life After Loss - https://www.lifeafterloss.org.uk Let me know how it goes please Dan - MFM

Gmclinn and J I am so sorry that both of you are going through this experience, but really value and appreciate you both posting to help others I have been through 3 of these myself and was the shock of the first one which is the hardest. I was very similar to you Gmclinn, I always have been able to fix things for my wife, this was one I couldn’t. So I moved on quickly, thinking, ok it didn’t work out this time but that’s our 1 in 4 gone. For me, it wasn’t that way, but I know plenty who’s next one was successful, so I came up with being open to the possibility of the next being successful. This allowed me to be ready for good and bad, whatever the outcome I did have to be patient as my partner was a lot slower on the grief journey than I was, but it sounds like you have a really good base. And to allay your fears, we had our child at late 30s without any complications. I wish you both all the luck in the world J - if you need any assistance, please let us know. Dan - MFM

Hi Rtblack2701, First of all, apologies for the delay in reply and for the loss you went through in 2021 and are going through now. As most are aware, there isn’t a timeframe on grief, and having gone through multiple miscarriages it is possible you haven’t dealt with the others as well. We are working for employers to see miscarriage as a reason for time off in the weeks it happens but it is absolutely worth considering questioning policy on a more long term basis. I am not sure where you are based, but potentially your countries healthcare policy may allow you to visit a doctor and obtain some mental health support from a councillor. This could be a regular appointment you could use to dedicate time to dealing with the grief you are feeling, and I would hope your employer would be understanding of this. Alternatively there are evening sessions in some places or on video conference where you can talk to like minded people which we can help you locate. Please let us know if you need any help in this area? Dan - MFM

Hi Dom First of all, condolence from all at Miscarriage For Men to you and your wife for your loss. Thank you for posting this message. It takes bravery to be able to do this Unfortunately going through the process of grieving loss can involve emotions such as anger, sadness and frustration. There will be times where you feel you need your own space and others where you want to feel surrounded by loved ones. Some you want to take a minute to yourself and others where you want to keep busy. I would advise you listen to what you need and act upon it where possible and one thing we always suggest is telling your partner how you feel to discuss it together. Try to find an outlet for the frustration and anger that is positive. Chris and I took up running, chris also took to boxing in the gym. Others focus on other areas such as working harder at your job, building something in the garden or arranging a trip away. It’s a cliche but the pain will ease in time and once you can process what has happened to find a way through this, you can then see a way to look to the future. The memory of this loss will never disappear, but you will find a way through. If you need any assistance, I can put you in touch with some wonderful charities who can help you work through this process and offer further advice. If you need anything from us please let me know Dan - MFM

Hi Richard, Thank you for putting your thoughts down and I am glad you have visited the page and read the forum. I hope you realise all you are feeling at this time is very common and you aren’t alone. I have gone through 3 miscarriages over a 5 year period and my experience is slightly different to Chris. I struggled with understanding the reasoning behind why this happened to us, was it something we did? What can we do to prevent it next time? I came to realise that you can not control this, but cope with the bad days and enjoy the good ones. Do things that make you happy, and open up and talk to someone, ideally your partner. It will make your bond stronger. If you show your wife that you are feeling the same as her you can go through this together which will help your wife, who will also want to help you through it I’m sure. Unfortunately I think it is fairly common to become numb to this experience the more you go through it. Every time I just wanted to get past the weeks we had the miscarriage, to feel a sense of relief and excitement but the reality is, the best thing you can do is both try to relax and stay calm. With regards to trying, if you both want a family, unfortunately you will have the anxiety and potential heartache of this happening again to contend with, but there is the possibility of the dream of a family at the end of it. Someone once said to me if it never rained, you would never get rainbows, and to me that resonated that sometimes the things you want in life sometimes are extremely difficult to achieve. One thing I would say, you do need to both be mentally ready to deal with the potential of a miscarriage happening again if you can. This starts when you open up to your partner I think in this situation. Good luck and please let us know how it goes and if you need anything further Dan - MFM

Hi DB, First of all, condolences to you and your fiancé for your loss. It sounds to me that what you are going through is unfortunately a normal experience for some people going through this experience. When I went through it, I very much wanted to find out why it happened and what I could do to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. Hopefully, in reading the forum posts on this site, you will see you aren’t alone in this experience and I think it’s good you also posted about how you are feeling. This can help with the grieving process in some cases. You mention you feel guilty about grieving. Why is this? You have every right to grieve and the process has very different timescales for people. Are you talking to your fiancé about how you are feeling? She may be feeling the same. If you feel comfortable doing so, I would recommend it. Just to give you a little more reading, I wrote a blog about the website, my experience and coping mechanisms for future pregnancies but this also relates to getting through this experience. You may find it helpful https://thedaddysleepconsultant.com/baby-loss-week-2021-in-collaboration-with-miscarriage-for-men/ If you need any further help, please let us know what we can do for you. Dan - MFM