Mar 24, 2022
In Welcome to the Forum
I just want to thank this forum for existing. Just reading the other posts, from the beautiful to the blunt, has helped me process my feelings in a way that I hadn't been able to yet. I'm hoping writing this down will help me continue to process everything. We were so early in the pregnancy, at a point where it still didn't feel real anyway. We hadn't yet told anyone, not even our three year old son. We were a couple days away from our first ultrasound. One morning I awoke to the sound of my wife crying in the bathroom. I had my immediate assumption about what had happened and my mind was immediately alert. She came out, gave me the news, and I felt like a stone. Gave her whatever comfort I could, and a couple minutes later I suddenly started to feel dizzy and wanted to throw up. And then nothing. Went to work and felt nothing. We went to the doctor later and confirmed our fears and I got dizzy again. But that was about it. My wife cries a lot and has been devastated, in addition to physically going through a very painful process. I'm sure my brain just wasn't letting me feel for myself until I knew she would be okay. The only time I cried was when she was talking through her feelings. As for me, I felt like a bit of a monster for not being outwardly sad about it. Even though I definitely got depressed and had a hard time functioning when alone, I just couldn't cry. Today my wife's HGC levels finally got low enough that the doctors are no longer worried about her. So it feels appropriate that now, around three weeks since the pregnancy loss (it feels like it's been so much longer than that!), I decided to seek out a resource and found this forum. I read a bunch of posts and finally cried my eyes out. It felt amazing to feel so sad. I feel weird publishing this because I don't know if it's particularly well written or if people will judge me, but I think it's important to get it out there because the more men that share their stories, the less it feels like we have to bury our emotions. I wasn't helping my wife by being this "strong" emotionless rock. That was just making the isolation worse for both of us. She needs to know that while I'm here for her, I'm also here with her in this ocean of grief.