Myself and my partner had already had one perfect, healthy, amazing daughter so we thought the rest would be plain sailing.
We was not trying for long before we both got the excitement of seeing the positive pregnancy test for the second time. It was great, our family was going to be completed, everything we had wanted was within our grasp. We did all the right things, my partner took all the right vitamins, stopped doing everything that they advise and led the life from all the recommendations that the health professionals say you should.
One day she woke up after 6 weeks and said she felt 'different'. She knew that something was not right and this led us to book in for a private scan. Off we went to the ultrasound. 'There is no heartbeat and it was twins', said the woman in the most coldest and unsympathetic way ever. She wrote on her paper and without even asking how we are she told us to go and pay at the front desk. We went into the hospital with our piece of paper in hand and waited. My partners name was called and we had to go through into the hospital room and be scanned again. Only this time we was told one of the twins had a heartbeat, a faint one, but a heartbeat non the less. 'Come back in 2 weeks and we will look again'. We had every glimmer of hope that maybe one of our babies would survive. For 2 weeks of pure emotional agony we waited and finally went back. They confirmed there was no longer any heartbeat and gave us our options of Surgical management or Medical management. We chose medical as the risks that come with surgery are not something we wanted to play with.
We got sent home after the medication and the next day on 14th February we had officially lost our babies.
Fast forward to almost the present day. We had managed to get pregnant again and just as before everything was being done to the letter. We paid for another private scan at around 6 weeks, all was well. We had the ultrasound at 12 weeks, everything was 'perfect'. The baby we had conceived was growing as they should and no complications where showing. We was shocked, amazed, happy, so many emotions. We told our friends, our family because after 12 weeks the risk is reduced massively. So to us we would have our 2nd child in the summer. Everything was going well, until another 6 weeks in. My partner lost all the feelings again. Her sickness stopped, she could sleep at night, she could eat full meals. We booked in to have the private scan again to be told this time there was no heart beat and the baby had stopped growing. Just like that, it was ripped away from us again.
We went back into the hospital and chose a medical management again, but, as the pregnancy went for so long they offered us the option of doing further investigation into what is happening. This meant that my partner had to deliver our baby so he could be sent for tests before a funeral could take place. We was given the option of seeing our son to which we agreed to do. The midwife fetched in a cold cot and took the lid off. They had put him in a little knitted hat under a knitted blanket and placed a teddy bear in there with him. We had fetched a comforter that we would have given him when he was born for him to also have. We are in the process of waiting for his funeral to take place so that we can collect his ashes.
This doesn't get easier when it happens again. It gets harder. It is a situation that so many people think that it won't happen to them and the more you speak to people the more people you see who have experienced the same things that you have. There is no magic solution that makes it easier to cope with or get over and to be honest I don't personally think we will ever get over it. I am sat here crying about it right now whilst my partner and child are still asleep, it's hard to keep it in around them and to turn up for work like nothing is happening. There are things for men out there but they are limited which is why I welcome such a place for men to be supported and share / read others experiences. It's OK to sit in a room alone and cry when nobody is around, it's OK to cry infront of your partner. You may think they want to see someone who is strong that can deal with his emotions, when in reality, they want someone to share the sad moment with so they don't feel alone too. I've had dreams and visions of losing my 3 year old after what we have been through but all I can say to you is take each day as it comes, get through today and worry about tomorrow later. Time is a healer, share your thoughts and what is happening and if you feel like you need some extra support, then seek it don't hide from it.
You're not alone!