Like others within the group, I’ve never spoken in any real detail about my experience of miscarriage- bottling up always seemed the easier option. However, this site has given me the nudge to crack the cap off that bottle … so I hope it adds some value to the great support network being built here.
Myself and my wife have been through the experience of miscarriage on two occasions; Xmas 2015 and November 2019.
The first time was definitely the hardest. We were enjoying Christmas with the in-laws when my wife was rushed into A&E. We were hurriedly shuffled down the hospital corridor and introduced to the side ‘Lilac Room’. I guess the writing was on the wall… Needless to the say the inevitable news smashed us in the face and destroyed us. Utter heartbreak and just total helplessness as my wife went through the trauma of delivery. The Lilac Room still makes me so angry to this day.
Second time round, I knew the look on the midwife’s face- I had seen that look before.
I find it really tough to explain the feelings I had. I think anger, trauma, hurt, confusion, and resentment sum it up. I still harbour much of these when I think about the brutality of miscarriage. I don’t hate many things, but miscarriage is right up there.
The biggest gap I have struggled with, and still do, is how to talk about it. It has always seemed to be a story of failure. A doom and gloom topic. Not the type of thing to bring up when meeting mates for a beer or to watch the football, but I wish I had done and I realise they would wish I had done as well. Even if they had listened and did the whole ‘chin up mate’ thing, maybe it would have helped.
I do consider us lucky. We are the parents to two amazing boys born either side of the second miscarriage. Not everyone is as fortunate, and I am forever thankful we have been able to realise our dream of parenthood. Nevertheless, seeing my boys grow up just makes me crave for the previous pregnancies to have had successful outcomes too. Day to day there are a few holes and some days are harder than others to look back on the miscarriages, but what we are so lucky to have outweighs what we have lost. It’s a strange thing to say, but the miscarriages really cemented how much we are there for each other at the hardest times as a couple.
There is no script for how to manage or how to ‘best’ deal with miscarriage despite what the leaflets tell you... Its only through going through it that I came to educate myself on how common it is and that it is something we should be okay to talk about.
The most powerful support mechanism in my mind is a forum like this. Like many of the people on here, I too am only a message away if I can support anyone. Equally if anyone wants to just chat, I will let you ridicule my life decision to support Newcastle United…
Thanks, Chris, for getting the ball rolling. I am looking forward to supporting as much as I can.
Sure, I think the 'it wont ever happen to us' was the biggest shock. Maybe through our own excitement and naivety that we never even considered miscarriage as risk until it happened.
Keep up the great work Chris, and thanks for the support network everyone!
Hi David, Thank you for sharing your story. My deepest condolences go out to you and your wife, and your little boys. I love the silver lining story on the other side of the heartache. You are right, nothing can prepare you for miscarriage, no matter how much you read into things, I think it’s always the case of ‘it won’t happen to us’, that was certainly how I felt as I reassured my wife everything would be ok when the initial miscarriage symptoms kicked in. It’s heartbreaking, there is no other word for it, even more so when you hear that inevitable ‘we cannot find a heartbeat’. I fully resonate with everything you have said. I hope even just being able to write down what you have, has helped in the tiniest way. We are all here for the same reason, and I’m here to help people talk. I’m always just a DM away. I too share a love for Newcastle United, grim isn’t it?! Haha. Keep your chin up mate and I look forward to talking to you more moving forward. Chris.