Thanks for setting this forum up. I wrote the below, deleted it, then wrote it again. I do think it's important to share this stuff because nobody ever talks about it and I have felt quite lonely & unable to talk about how I'm feeling.
We had our first, a son, a couple of years ago. He was born premature (1.6kg) after my wife had an abrupted placenta. He stayed in NICU for 6 weeks, then we got him home (with a feeding tube for the first couple of weeks) and found out shortly after that he had a brain haemmoraghe during the birth. He has worked hard through multiple therapies and is doing well, although will likely struggle with walking and other gross motor function. I know this isn't quite the correct forum for this chat, but it feeds into the overall picture.
We then got pregnant again in spring last year, had an early scan and there was a heartbeat, but when we went for the 12 week scan there was nothing. The chemical option didn't work as planned so my wife had to go into a&e to get the surgical alternative.
This year, essentially the same thing - heartbeat at 6 weeks and all looked good, we then got a 2nd early scan at 10 weeks and no heartbeat. Gone for surgical straight away this time after the problems last summer.
Both times it's just felt like the rug is pulled from under us, you are planning your whole life and then everything changes in 10 minutes. I felt so uneasy during both pregnancies which ended in miscarriage - just constantly stressed and dreading something will go wrong.
But I think one of the worst things is I just can't feel happy for anyone else. It's been that way since we had our son, whenever my friends are pregnant or their kids are hitting milestones, I just can't bring myself to be excited for them. I cant engage in conversation about their kids or their pregnancy and I just steer the conversation to safe ground (football usually). It's not exactly jealousy although I'm sure that is part of it, but it just feels like something inside of me has been turned off and I can't get it back.