Thanks for setting this forum up. I wrote the below, deleted it, then wrote it again. I do think it's important to share this stuff because nobody ever talks about it and I have felt quite lonely & unable to talk about how I'm feeling.
We had our first, a son, a couple of years ago. He was born premature (1.6kg) after my wife had an abrupted placenta. He stayed in NICU for 6 weeks, then we got him home (with a feeding tube for the first couple of weeks) and found out shortly after that he had a brain haemmoraghe during the birth. He has worked hard through multiple therapies and is doing well, although will likely struggle with walking and other gross motor function. I know this isn't quite the correct forum for this chat, but it feeds into the overall picture.
We then got pregnant again in spring last year, had an early scan and there was a heartbeat, but when we went for the 12 week scan there was nothing. The chemical option didn't work as planned so my wife had to go into a&e to get the surgical alternative.
This year, essentially the same thing - heartbeat at 6 weeks and all looked good, we then got a 2nd early scan at 10 weeks and no heartbeat. Gone for surgical straight away this time after the problems last summer.
Both times it's just felt like the rug is pulled from under us, you are planning your whole life and then everything changes in 10 minutes. I felt so uneasy during both pregnancies which ended in miscarriage - just constantly stressed and dreading something will go wrong.
But I think one of the worst things is I just can't feel happy for anyone else. It's been that way since we had our son, whenever my friends are pregnant or their kids are hitting milestones, I just can't bring myself to be excited for them. I cant engage in conversation about their kids or their pregnancy and I just steer the conversation to safe ground (football usually). It's not exactly jealousy although I'm sure that is part of it, but it just feels like something inside of me has been turned off and I can't get it back.
Hi Kevin, Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I am very sorry to hear about the pregnancy losses that you and your wife have suffered. I’m not a therapist, but I will give you my thoughts on this. I can fully understand your emotional un-attachment to celebrating other people’s children’s milestones, as you’re rightly feeling that you should be enjoying similar with your children. I don’t think it’s jealousy, but more the feeling of loss resurfacing. Nothing can prepare us for the heartache of miscarriage. On the page, I’ve put some links to some wonderful charities who might have more information on these feelings and where is best to get some more help if you feel that is a way forward. I hope that by opening up on here, this has brought out something that you haven’t been able to share previously with people. Have you tried to speak to a close friend about how you feel? Or do you not feel like that’s something that you can do yet? Either way, we are here for you mate, and if you decide the forum isn’t for you, I am just a DM away. Chris
I know what you mean. When we told our friends at around 14 weeks everybody cheered, the same night a couple in our closest circle told us that they were 4 weeks behind us.
we started to plan everything together, me and the other father-to-be went windowshopping for strollers and talked about the nervosity about becoming a father.
At 19 weeks we got an appointment for our first ultrasound, and we were so happy to finally hear our babygirls heartbeat. The nurse was so excited st first, but after a couple of minutes she just went quiet. She called for a doctor, who broke the news. Me and my wife, both of us extremely logical and have very good control over our feelings, just tightened up. Agreed to do the surgical removal on the spot.
We didn’t tell our friends for atleast a week, we just stopped all communication. Didn’t even talk amongst us two about what happened. It was all just like falling, down a dark dark hole...
Eventually er told our closest about what happened, but still... I couldn’t feel anything but misery, and even more pain when our best friends was so happy about their child. We contemplated a divorce, talked about not even trying again.
But, now, a couple of months have gone by. We started beeing intimate again, started to talk about the feelings we kept bottled up inside and now we are on a good path back to some kind of happiness.
In conclusion, it takes time. Alot of time.
I understand you, I feel the pain aswell, and you are loved even if it’s hard to feel it.