I'm really not sure how to start this so I'll just go straight into it.
We'd been trying a few months and were so happy and excited when that positive line came on the pregnancy test. We had close friends and family members who were expecting and were excited to be on that journey too. Our thoughts naturally drifted to the future timeline and names and how we would be as parents.
And then literally less than a week after finding out, my wife miscarried. We were stunned. We'd been on a gigantic high and went to a crushing low within a second. That's a hole I don't think I've been able to dig myself out of since. I was initially strong for my wife and felt the need to keep it together for her. I couldn't cry until she stopped.
We agreed to try again as soon as we could and acknowledge this may take a while. I'm very worried how this experience is going to affect us going forwards. What if we are trying with no luck whilst more and more of our friends and family have babies. What if they have multiple children and ' still trying for the first? What if we get pregnant and lose it again? What if we never get pregnant?
One of the biggest things for me at the moment is the fact that my wife's unmarried younger sister has just had her first baby a few days ago. At the moment every conversation is about the new arrival and lots of Whattsapp pictures of her. I know it's supposed to be a happy time but it brings up all these feelings about our loss and where we should be. We are due to go to meet our niece on the weekend and the thought of holding it together with my wife holding the baby is terrifying. Never mind the prospect of me holding her. And I feel so guilty because this is an innocent baby and somebody I want to watch grow and be there for but at the moment she just feels like a painful reminder. I don't know how to approach this and was wondering if there was anybody with a similar experience who could offer some advice.
I also have a longstanding dislike of my sister-in-law's other half. I've always felt like he shows so many red flags as a partner and has shown early indications of that as a father. But I'm not sure if that's me being resentful that it's him with a new baby and not me. It's very difficult to process and know how to react to. Is there anybody else who has felt like this who can give me some direction?
This whole week has just been incredibly overwhelming when I feel like I've been barely keeping it together for so long. This has just tipped me over the edge. I had a big emotional outburst yesterday where I just cried for hours and did that on the phone to my team lead at work. I feel embarrassed I've had to take time off work for how I feel and guilty about my reactions to what should be such a happy time in our family. I just feel like this is such a big transition which is going to dominate conversations and family life going forwards and I have this lingering sense of hopelessness for the future. I need to try and find a way to deal with these feelings but am really struggling to find any coping mechanisms.