I'm really not sure how to start this so I'll just go straight into it.
We'd been trying a few months and were so happy and excited when that positive line came on the pregnancy test. We had close friends and family members who were expecting and were excited to be on that journey too. Our thoughts naturally drifted to the future timeline and names and how we would be as parents.
And then literally less than a week after finding out, my wife miscarried. We were stunned. We'd been on a gigantic high and went to a crushing low within a second. That's a hole I don't think I've been able to dig myself out of since. I was initially strong for my wife and felt the need to keep it together for her. I couldn't cry until she stopped.
We agreed to try again as soon as we could and acknowledge this may take a while. I'm very worried how this experience is going to affect us going forwards. What if we are trying with no luck whilst more and more of our friends and family have babies. What if they have multiple children and ' still trying for the first? What if we get pregnant and lose it again? What if we never get pregnant?
One of the biggest things for me at the moment is the fact that my wife's unmarried younger sister has just had her first baby a few days ago. At the moment every conversation is about the new arrival and lots of Whattsapp pictures of her. I know it's supposed to be a happy time but it brings up all these feelings about our loss and where we should be. We are due to go to meet our niece on the weekend and the thought of holding it together with my wife holding the baby is terrifying. Never mind the prospect of me holding her. And I feel so guilty because this is an innocent baby and somebody I want to watch grow and be there for but at the moment she just feels like a painful reminder. I don't know how to approach this and was wondering if there was anybody with a similar experience who could offer some advice.
I also have a longstanding dislike of my sister-in-law's other half. I've always felt like he shows so many red flags as a partner and has shown early indications of that as a father. But I'm not sure if that's me being resentful that it's him with a new baby and not me. It's very difficult to process and know how to react to. Is there anybody else who has felt like this who can give me some direction?
This whole week has just been incredibly overwhelming when I feel like I've been barely keeping it together for so long. This has just tipped me over the edge. I had a big emotional outburst yesterday where I just cried for hours and did that on the phone to my team lead at work. I feel embarrassed I've had to take time off work for how I feel and guilty about my reactions to what should be such a happy time in our family. I just feel like this is such a big transition which is going to dominate conversations and family life going forwards and I have this lingering sense of hopelessness for the future. I need to try and find a way to deal with these feelings but am really struggling to find any coping mechanisms.
Sorry it’s taken me a little longer than I’d hoped to reply.
I have had exactly the same experience as you 5-6 years ago. My wife and I have had multiple miscarriages but at one point my wife and sisters due dates were weeks apart. We lost ours but my sister had a beautiful baby girl.
This was a very hard time for both of us. On the one hand, you want to be happy for your sister, and create a bond with their child, but on the other, you don’t want to expose yourself and your wife to the heartache of seeing/ holding the baby.
I got this wrong, and I am not afraid to say it, so I will give you my experience and then advice.
I went to the hospital with my wife, as we thought it was the right thing to do. My wife did it to please my family and I wasn’t aware of how much strain she was under due to the situation. She then was anxious about seeing any of my family for a good month or 2 after as a result, so I would go on my own, but even now I am aware that my bond with my sisters child is still affected by the emotions I felt when she was born, no matter how much I rationalise that it wasn’t her fault.
What I should have done is spoken with my family, and given us time to process it. Ask them not to discuss the baby in my wife’s presence, and advise my sister we will see them in a few months as it is too hard right now. As a couple we needed to be more selfish for our own benefit.
If your family are understanding, I would suggest you speak to them and let them know the situation and ask for their understanding during this difficult time.
As for coping, please read the article I posted before. The ‘what if’ questions you asked in the post, you may not get answers to, but try to consider the alternative. I call it,’what if not’
What if you have a baby next time?
What if you do get pregnant successfully?
Whilst another miscarriage is a scary thought and a possibility, you need to decide as a couple when the best time to approach trying again would be.
It is very much an individual decision, but try to be open to the possibility of a successful pregnancy to have some element of positivity going into the experience.
Happy to discuss this more if you need any further help, let me know.
Dan - MFM
I’ll respond in full later this week, as I have had the same experience but for now please see the below article which I helped write. This will help with some advice for the above
Dan - MFM