My partner and I had been trying, without success, for nearly 2 years. We had been to a fertility specialist, who could find no issue with either of us, what they medically call "unexplained infertility". We were to be put on the waiting list for IVF.
Every month, having that same feeling when my partner got her period, dusting ourselves off, giving ourselves a pep talk , telling ourselves we felt ok.
Then early last November/late October, a positive test. We couldn't believe it. No idea what we had done "right "
A couple of weeks in disbelief passed - didn't want to get our hopes up- and were able to go for a scan- there was a pregnancy, it was 5 weeks or so into it.
The relief and Joy after all of those months is something that I can't explain.
You of course know where this is going-
On the run up to Xmas, partner experienced a bit of blotting- thank god for our local maternity ward who were happy to allow us to come in.
All seemed ok, and it was put down to a common cervical issue. All looked fine.
But it started to get worse and worse, me in denial, but my partner in no doubt as to what was happening. Booked an appointment for the next morning-
But heavy heavy bleeding that night. We both knew.
We went the next morning. Consultant looked at my partner, grabbed her hand. That was it.
Just before we left, the consultant put her hand on my partner's forehead , a small gesture of kindness and connection that I will never forget.
In the car, at home, we cried like we have never cried before.
You guys know all of the feelings of lost potential that come up, you don't need me to go into them.
We have a good support network, I'm thankful for that..
But what I had experienced while we were trying to conceive- the horrible bitterness when a couple we know as friends publicly announce their pregnancy "we weren't even trying"- those horrible feelings increased tenfold. Denying those horrible thoughts made me feel even worse.
The last six months have passed like a foggy blur - lockdown, work, covid..I was feeling "fine " (not thinking about it all day every day) until about 6 weeks ago, and out of nowhere it came back. Like this weight, I just can't shift it.
We are about to move house and I..can't muster any excitement.
I know that my partner feels worse, it never leaves her.