This is the first time i have ever used an online forum to talk about how I feel, I normally only use these type of things to look for solutions and get advice about cars. So forgive me if how I'm feeling doesn't make any sense.
Where do i start......
This is my 3rd consecutive miscarriage and it's the one that has affected me the most. The first time we had a miscarriage I was the rock for my wife and was more concerned for her, rather than how I felt. It think how she was feeling made me want to block out how I was feeling to protect her and keep her safe. My workplace were really good to me and told me to take leave to support her, I was there for her and did what a husband does regardless of how i felt. After a few months we decided to start trying and gain my wife became pregnant. We were really excited but were both a little reserved due to what happened the first time. Unfortunately again after the 5th week my wife miscarried for the second time. This time we were very numb towards it and didn't even give the time to heal. We both just went back to work and got on with things.
January 2023 we believed would be our year to finally have a baby. My wife started to feel pregnancy signs and tested at the start of January to discover we were having a baby. We didn't expect this at all as we were both having tests from the hospital to check for why the 2 miscarriages may have occurred. Both of our tests came back clear with no further action being required. My wife was also given medication to support us when we got pregnant next. This time we thought we had it in the bag as only 1 percent of women experience a miscarriage for the 3rd time consecutively. Unfortunately we were one of them couples within the 1 percent club. I took a week off from work as I was devastated and felt really low. My wife was also just so down and i had no words to make her feel better.
I am a strong, focused and positive man who now feels weak, alone and negative. I read some stuff on the net that recommended me to carry on going to the gym to help block stuff out. I sit in the gym repping weights so much to cause me discomfort to take the pain away from my heart. Normally after a good gym session, i feel pumped and strong, but now i feel flat as a pancake and sad all the time.
I visited the doctors to seek medical advice, is what i am feeling normal? I just wanted to know. The doctor was so good time me and told me in grieving and as a result of not recovering properly the first 2 times. She recommended counselling and I have to say it really helped, even if I was embarrassed to ask for help. For the first time in 25 years i have been signed off from work and i feel guilty. But i know i shouldn't as i need time to heal and find my strength.
I pray that you all find your strength and thank you for taking the time out to read how i feel.