How to give her the support she needs...

Hi Gary,

I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through this. I have immense empathy for the both of you.

All we want to do as caring and loving husbands is to make our wives happy and take their pain away. I wish it was that easy.

My wife’s first miscarriage was traumatizing. The only thing I was able to do was to hold her, listen, support, and do anything that she wanted. My number one goal was to make sure that she had her simple needs met, and I was able to provide. It then turned into just being there to listen.

My wife and I have a saying when we want support on something from each other about something that brings grief and we ask each other, “do you want comforting or advice on a solution”. This for us is a big one because it tells me, do I need to be there just to listen, or do I need to give advice to try to take the pain away. This helped a tonne for us as instead of getting into an argument because I was giving advice or an opinion on something, when all she wanted was for me to be next to her, hold her and likely cry with her.

Our wives will always remember more details than us. This was a giant change in their bodies. Don‘t be discouraged because you don’t remember dates and details, I don’t either. What I can help with is just to be there and hold her.

You got this Gary,

Colin

Your story is very much like mine. My wife and I have had 2 miscarriages and like you described, she remembers all the details and I avoided it. She felt alone when she needed me because I was trying to be strong for us. There really wasn't any way forward for us.

Then I just broke. We lost our child almost 10 years ago, and adoption came up recently, and I couldn't. I broke down and finally shared the pain of my loss. In that moment we finally came together over the loss. My wife didn't need someone "to be strong" for her. She needed someone who shared her grief. Someone who not only understood, but whose reaction validated her own. We both needed someone to talk to and by not sharing I was only as useful as some average friend who doesn't know what to say and so offers polite sympathies.

I spent so much of my young life being told to be tough and that boys don't cry that I stuffed it down for years. But I'm old enough now to have learned that being tough doesn't impress anyone. It only makes you useless when the woman you love needs an emotional bond.

That's my experience anyway. I hope I said something useful.

Thanks for the link to the article Chris this looks really good. I shall give this a read and see what it’s about.

Hi Gary, Thank you for reaching out to the group. Firstly, very sorry to hear about yours and your partners miscarriages. My condolences go out to you both. I can only advise you based on my experiences, but I have shared some helpful links on the helpful links page, that will hopefully be able to give you some further guidance. I am a good listener though, and determined to answer everyone who drops a comment here or a DM. I’m sure there will be other guys along who will post who also will be good listeners and good at sharing their experience / advice. It is hard trying to ease someone else’s pain, as you say everyone grieves in their own way, but just being there for your wife, will be a massive step in the right direction. Your wife will appreciate that more than you will ever know. You may not think it’s doing much but it will be. I read a good article on relate, I’ll share the link below: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-common-problems/miscarriages-coping-couple Have a look at that and see what you think and feel free to reach back out to me, either here in the forum or via DM. Look after yourself & your wife. Chris