I have been trying to write this for a few weeks in my head but I have sat down and I am finally putting my thoughts into words.
A little about me, I`m Dan, I am from the North East, I am ex forces but I now work in construction, both jobs where manly men do men things and don`t really have feelings..... WRONG !!
In November 2019 my wife and I found out we were pregnant with out first child, absolutely over the moon, we had a quiet Christmas and in early January my wife started having a miscarriage. we were absolutely gutted but we put it down to her being on the pill for many years and maybe it was her bodies way of saying it wasn`t ready yet.
We tried for another baby for nearly a year and then again come November 2020 she was pregnant again, couldn`t be happier. This time we went for a private early scan and we were lucky enough to see a heartbeat. We had a lovely Christmas knowing we had seen a heartbeat and that fingers crossed we were clear this time. We went for another scan in January just to help our nerves, only to find no heartbeat, turns out the baby had passed away a few days after the first scan and my wife had suffered what is called a missed miscarriage.
This one hurt more than anything, a big blow to our confidence and really took it out of us, for 3 weeks my wife still had symptoms of being pregnant even thought the baby was gone. Our family were a massive help to us and mentally got us through it. 6 weeks later we got another blow, my mum died suddenly and that for me was my lowest point in a very long time.
We thought we might give up and stop trying, the losses had really taken a big chunk out of us and most weekends were full of tears and avoiding our friends, most of whom had recently had babies as well.
But its not all doom and gloom, last week we went to our babies 12 week scan, he or she is due on Christmas day 2021 and we have our fingers crossed that the rest of the pregnancy will go to plan.
How can I help from my experiences, I am no expert but these things helped me:
Get yourself out and do something that gets you going and keeps your mind in a positive state, exercise is great for this, when the gyms were shut I bought a bike and went out for an hour a day, its amazing what exercise will do for positive thinking.
Talk to your partner, be open about how its making both of you feel, my partner told me she felt like she was letting me down, not a chance, you are in this together, communication is key.
Don`t take no for an answer with the doctors, the NHS say they wont take a women for tests until they have had 3 miscarriages. I must of rang the doctors about 10 times, my wife had at least 5 phone consultations with doctors and explained to them how it was affecting her mental health and eventually even though she had had only 2 they booked her in for specialist testing, the irony is that at the appointment it turned out she was already pregnant, but its amazing how just getting that booked gave her the positivity she needed.
I wish I had known about this community when I was really struggling, it would of helped to speak to people in a similar situation, I see so many female celebrities sharing their experiences, which is great, but the lads are not as keen to share.
This community could have a great impact and help a lot of people, I would love to see something like 5 aside teams in different areas, we don`t have to be all doom and gloom sometimes it nice to spend time with people who understand what your going through and are there if you need them.
Think I`ve said enough for now, just remember don`t let it defeat you or divide you and definitely don`t give up !!!
Thanks for sharing, and as per Chris' comments, really great to hear you are expecting later this year!
I think your advice is super powerful. 'You are in this together' is such a strong thing to highlight. Certainly resonates with me as the most important step to digesting what had happened.
Looking forward to getting our footie side together! Came to light last night that we may have some serious talent to choose from....!
Take Care and I hope all the preparations leading up to December are going well.
Hi Dan. Thank you for writing this post, I apologise it has taken me this time to reply, for some reason I was not notified that you had posted this. I’m very happy to hear that you and your partner are now expecting again. Lovely news, at the same time I’m very sorry to hear that you have also been through so much heartache. Great idea with the 5 a side team, and something I would be very open to doing (also from the North East). Definitely something we can look into. If you want to chat further, I’m just a DM away. Look after yourself & your partner, Chris.