I just want to thank this forum for existing. Just reading the other posts, from the beautiful to the blunt, has helped me process my feelings in a way that I hadn't been able to yet. I'm hoping writing this down will help me continue to process everything.
We were so early in the pregnancy, at a point where it still didn't feel real anyway. We hadn't yet told anyone, not even our three year old son. We were a couple days away from our first ultrasound.
One morning I awoke to the sound of my wife crying in the bathroom. I had my immediate assumption about what had happened and my mind was immediately alert. She came out, gave me the news, and I felt like a stone. Gave her whatever comfort I could, and a couple minutes later I suddenly started to feel dizzy and wanted to throw up. And then nothing. Went to work and felt nothing.
We went to the doctor later and confirmed our fears and I got dizzy again. But that was about it. My wife cries a lot and has been devastated, in addition to physically going through a very painful process. I'm sure my brain just wasn't letting me feel for myself until I knew she would be okay. The only time I cried was when she was talking through her feelings. As for me, I felt like a bit of a monster for not being outwardly sad about it. Even though I definitely got depressed and had a hard time functioning when alone, I just couldn't cry.
Today my wife's HGC levels finally got low enough that the doctors are no longer worried about her. So it feels appropriate that now, around three weeks since the pregnancy loss (it feels like it's been so much longer than that!), I decided to seek out a resource and found this forum. I read a bunch of posts and finally cried my eyes out. It felt amazing to feel so sad.
I feel weird publishing this because I don't know if it's particularly well written or if people will judge me, but I think it's important to get it out there because the more men that share their stories, the less it feels like we have to bury our emotions. I wasn't helping my wife by being this "strong" emotionless rock. That was just making the isolation worse for both of us. She needs to know that while I'm here for her, I'm also here with her in this ocean of grief.
Good morning Brando, thank you for sharing your post. Firstly, on behalf of Miscarriage For Men, let me offer our deepest condolences on yours and your partners pregnancy loss. Well done for getting the courage to write this post, it takes guts. I was the same when I wrote my first post, and spoke about it openly. I questioned if it was the right thing to do, but I’m so glad that I did. It gave me a platform to allow myself to grieve, it sort of gave me a sense of meaning as all the focus had been on my wife, and rightly so as she was going through it physically and mentally, but I too was hurting but didn’t know how to speak or where to go. Hence I created this platform for exactly these reasons. In situations like this, it’s natural that us men become the protector, we naturally go into defence mode and want to fix the situation, unfortunately this is a situation that cannot be ‘fixed’ and I think that’s what played with my mind so much. I am assuming from reading your post you were the same. Throwing yourself back into work etc, I done exactly that and then quickly realised I needed some time off to process what was going on. My advice to you is just take each day as it comes mate, you will go through the emotions and there will be certain triggers that will start the grief. Don’t let anyone tell you how long you should grieve for, only you can determine that. We are here whenever you need us mate, even if you just want a friendly chat, feel free to pop us a DM, or continue the chat on here. If you and your partner feel that you need some professional help we also work with many wonderful charities who we can put you in touch with. You are bang on the money when you say that your wife needs you as much as you need her right now, talk to her, tell her how you are feeling, yes there will be tears, but I bet you will both feel more comfort knowing you can ride this storm together. Stay safe, Chris MFM 💚