Hello, my name is Martin and myself and my partner suffered the loss of our pregnancy on the 4th of November 2019.
I have always been a private person and tried to deal with my own struggles without having to burden anybody else with my problems. This has been to the detriment of both my own health and relationships with others, partly down to a previous relationship where opening up once led to me being belittled and made to feel like my.
I know this now and I know I need to talk or even just write to get things out.
Recently had an argument with my partner which was wholly my fault for not being honest and lying about something that I should have just been open about. This has made me realize that she deserves the same openness back from me on who I am and how I feel as she has always given to me.
We have recently been speaking about the miscarriage and I've been extremely emotional with it as I haven't taken the time to process the loss at all. My partner said that she felt I was being fake and trying to manipulate her because of our very recent argument, this I can understand given the situation.
Anyway I'm off on a tangent, I have joined and posted here to try and have an outlet as I now don't know if I can talk to my partner about this at the moment.
Is there any methods that have helped others or any techniques that people have found helped?
Happy to talk to anybody about this as I'm getting close to breaking point
Hi Martin, Sorry for the delayed reply, I have been away. I think reading the forums, like you suggest is a good idea. I have also written this blog which will have some potential advice for you, which may be of use now or in the future. https://thedaddysleepconsultant.com/baby-loss-week-2021-in-collaboration-with-miscarriage-for-men/ I do agree with Chris that talking to your partner and building that trust is important but it has to be the right time for you. If you feel she may think it’s because of recent events, why don’t you show her this post and thank her for her advise to write something, show you followed it, let her read it and then she can start a discussion without you having to bring it up? As Chris said, we are here if you need us. Dan
Thank you for your quick reply.
I honestly don't want to bring it up with her at the moment because I don't want it to seem like something I'm just saying because of recent events.
We have talked a little which for the most part has helped, she told me about things she has read of others finding ways to cope and I tried writing a letter as if it was to the little one, this honestly felt as if it helped and is something I will try again.
I don't know I guess I'm in my own head and overthinking things a little.
I'll have a good read through the forums and no doubt take something from that. I will bear in mind about asking for professional help though as any services available could be extremely helpful in the future
Hi Martin, Firstly, our deepest condolences go out to you and your partner on your pregnancy loss. It’s such a difficult thing to go through in a relationship, and it does put added strains on the relationship also, most of it attributed to grief and stress of the situation you were going through at the time. I’d suggest that you try and talk to your partner again, explain that you’ve bottled this feeling up for so long and explain you’ve done because of the past experience you have faced. Explain to your partner that you were concerned that the same would happen again so you were not sure how to approach the subject. Tell your partner exactly how you are feeling, if you feel strong enough. However, do it when you feel you can. Going straight into it when you don’t feel ready, could result in the message you are trying to get across become mixed. My personal experience, I told my wife we needed to talk as I needed to be able to clear my head in order to help both of us moving forward. It was very difficult to do so, but it needed to be done. It was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had to have. It’s likely that you will feel the same. We aren’t professionals mate, just a group of guys who’ve been through this, but we are here to help as much as we can. You can always reach us by DM also if you don’t want to talk openly in the forum. If you feel that you need more professional help, we can point you in the right direction and put you in touch with some of the fabulous people we collaborate with. I’m sure some of the other guys will be along soon and offer their advice. Look after yourself and your partner and know we are here when needed. Chris MFM 💚